Losing Our Marbles

Is it March already? Really? I'm pretty sure I just packed up my Christmas decorations!

I haven't been blogging for a few reasons, I've been busy with life, my life is boring (hence nothing to write about unless you want a run-down of my mom-taxi itinerary for the day), and.....well......one other thing.

We've turned into the Grumpy Family.

Has this ever happened to your family? You start to slip into bad patterns of speaking to each other? The kids spend the day tattling, name-calling, complaining, arguing, yelling at each other, having temper tantrums, and generally acting completely selfish. Then, the parents who are at their wits end (as if that is any excuse), spend their days cajoling, bribing, nagging and yelling, and then spend their nights crying, discussing, and alleviating some stress with some Ben and Jerry's Smores ice cream (you know, hypothetically speaking).

It took one really bad day- full of temper tantrums, talking-back, arguing, and really lousy attitudes- and one really delicious (hypothetical) pint of Ben and Jerry's Smores ice cream for us to decide that enough was enough. We are NOT interested in being this family, and we can make some changes.

I spent one morning out at the local craft store to get all I needed to execute our plan, and we called a Family Meeting where we unveiled this:

I wish it had a flashy name.

But, it doesn't. We just call them our marble jars.

I took a very simple motivational tool from my teacher days (the class marble jar), bumped it up a notch, individualized it and viola........we're on the road to treating people the way God would like us to treat them (and how we'd like to be treated as well).

It cost me a little to get these cheap candle jars and the scrapbook sticker letters for their names, but it was worth every penny (I had the marbles).

Scot and I discussed the things that really needed to improve around here: kindness, respect, and obedience being at the top of the list. Our church uses a curriculum that focuses on one virtue each month, so we decided that we would also  try to develop that trait in our kids monthly. So, each of these character qualities has it's own small jar of marbles.

Obedience, respect, and kindness will remain for a LONG time. So, I printed their definitions on sticker paper and stuck them to the glass. (I included a definition for each as well, but since kindness and respect had definitions that were very similar, I used a Bible verse for kindness instead.)

"Conviction" is the virtue for this month, so we just stuck that one on with tape. It will be replaced next month with a new virtue (hope).

The premise is simple: if you do things that are kind, respectful, and obedient, mom and dad will tell you to take a marble from the corresponding jar and put it into your marble jar. If you are unkind, disrespectful, or disobedient (including having to be asked several times to do something), you will be asked to remove a marble from your marble jar, and return it to the jar that corresponds to the trait you were having trouble with.

When the jar with your name on it has marbles high enough to go over the line, you earn a privilege or reward of your choosing (from a list that was mutually brainstormed and agreed upon at our Family Meeting). Some examples include a night out with mom or dad, a small toy, dinner of your choice, etc. Each child chose a reward to work towards, and (at Sawyer's insistence) picked a particular virtue they needed the most improvement on so they could focus on improving in that area. To my dismay, Chloe chose to focus on "conviction". That girl has enough conviction to last her a lifetime. She could work on being a bit less willing to take a stand and more willing to obey, in my humble opinion. But, since I give out the marbles, I'm not too concerned. It's sort of my ace in the hole.

Sure, this is complete behavior modification.  They are not currently exemplifying these behaviors because they know that they are right, they are doing it to earn marbles. (But previously they weren't exemplifying the behaviors at all, so it's a win for me!)  However, in theory, this will draw their attention to the negative behaviors and attitudes, and motivate them to use the traits to earn marbles thereby reinforcing good behavior and (hopefully) creating new habits.

Today was Day 1.

And it went VERY well. Seriously, I think I got new kids.

They were bending backwards trying to help each other (prompting a suggestion of a jar for "helpfulness"), I only had to ask once and they were off to do what I asked, and they suddenly were SUPER focused on having a good attitude and going above-and-beyond to do what is right because they want to get a marble. 

This mom wasn't too concerned about their motivation. My sanity got a BIG boost today.

One word: WINNING.

And, with a little intentionality and laser focus on making better choices, these things will become habit. I'm sure of it.

My favorite part of today is that I was upstairs for a bit when I heard Sawyer get really frustrated with Chloe. In the end, he totally yelled at her.

I didn't say anything.

A little bit later, I gave him a marble for being kind to Chloe. When I did, he said, "Ok, but a little while ago I yelled at Chloe, so I think I need to also take out a marble to put back in the 'respect' jar."

Ahhhhhhhh, now that is progress. I've got them consciously thinking about and focusing on their behavior. It's just a matter of time now.

As an added benefit, it has completely stopped a couple of Cooper's temper tantrums before they actually started when he obeyed, and I awarded him a marble just as he was about to throw himself down, stomp, cry and completely lose it. Of course, when he screamed at Chloe and had to take a marble out, he made up for it with a nice big meltdown, but hey, you can't win them all. (As a side note: I'm reevaluating whether or not he's mature enough to handle this or not. He'll hate not being included, and he TOTALLY understands the concept- when he calmed down tonight, he was able to explain exactly why he didn't get a marble. However, emotionally, he may not be able to handle the whole "take a marble out" thing.  I may have to make some modifications for him- maybe that I'll correct him and tell him he won't get a marble, but not actually have him take one out. Then, I can just take one out when he doesn't notice. I don't know.)

I know that this is a phase. We've been through it before, and truth be told, it's a short phase. When we've corrected it before, the kids remember how we want to be as a family, and things get better. We just let it go too far this time, and we needed a more formal reminder.

I'm encouraged when I remember what someone once said (and this is bad paraphrase): you aren't a bad parent if you make mistakes. You are a bad parent if you see those mistakes, but do nothing to fix them.

We make a whole lot of mistakes, but we are not afraid to put our family on an improvement plan so that our family, as a whole and as individuals, can be a reflection of God's character and used for His glory.

Birthday #2

When Cooper's birthday rolled around, it was during a bad week for me. LOTS of stuff going on, and not a lot of time be be all creative with the party theme.

Cooper is O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D. with Cars (with a capital "C"). Lightning Mc*Queen. Finn Mc*Missle. You name it. He loves it.

I liberally feed his obsession because a) I'm a complete sucker for him and b) I might be a recovering Cars-aholic myself. I decline to say more about that, but suffice it to say, the cars don't buy themselves. With Sawyer, my excuse was "potty-training rewards". I have yet to find my excuse for Cooper. Does "I think he's wicked cute so when he asks for something small I can't refuse" count?!?!?

I digress.

On the afternoon before the party and the morning OF the party though, I felt a bit guilty that I had not come up with the personal touches for Cooper's party that I had for Chloe's party. So, I quickly whipped up some things.

And, I was even impressed with myself- maybe I haven't lost my innate ability as a teacher to create something pretty cool out of nothing in a very short period of time. It also helped that I've seen the movie and read the books nothing short of a billion times.

First, I printed the signs I knew I wanted to use off the internet. I have NO idea where I got these pictures. I literally used a search engine to find what I was looking for and printed off what I liked. No time for bookmarking.

I put a sign over the goodies table to make it into "Flo's V8 Cafe". (As you can see, I purchased a banner for Cooper at his request. Have I mentioned I'm a sucker for him?)

On the goodies table, I brought back the apples and dip after it was a huge success at Chloe's party. This was even more popular with the boys I must say! I put some cones from our home-made "Cozy Cone Motel" around it just for fun.

My favorite thing was our "Casa Della Tires" plate. Also a huge hit!

For refreshments, I had two options: Fillmore's Organic "Fuel" (water or juice)..........

 (I got the "fuel" labels at GwynnWassonDesigns on Etsy. I highly recommend her shop. TONS of stuff, well done, quick service, reasonable prices. I literally purchased the labels less than 24 hours before the party and had the bottles totally ready to go 2 hours after purchasing them! Awesome!)

.....OR "Allinol" (soda), the Official Fuel of the World Grand Prix (in Cars 2).

I put the goodie bags in an actual army footlocker that my Father-in-Law has restored for each of the boys with a sign designating it as "Sarge's Surplus Hut".

As an added bonus, I got the Cars Pe*z dispensers for $0.75 each after Christmas! AWESOME!

I set up another coloring station with printables from the official Cars website.

 And, of course, had a place where the boys could all play cars to their heart's content! This was by far the ht of the party!!

As for a cake, Cooper is all about getting the "same thing" as the other two kids. So, he immediately nixed my plans to make special Lightning McQueen cupcakes and instructed me to go to the grocery store and buy a cake "just like Chloe's" (meaning he wanted a store-bought cake form the same place Chloe got hers).  So, this is what he chose:

I guess it saved me time anyway, and it was cute. 

In the end, I was VERY happy with how it all came together, the guests had fun, and Cooper was beaming! It was a wonderful way to celebrate all things Cooper! 

Happy birthday, Buddy! I don't think I'll ever stop praising God for blessing us with you! You are indeed very wonderfully made, and a precious gift from God to our family!

Birthday #1

Now that I got that off my chest, time to talk about the FUN stuff!

I don't love having two kids with birthdays closely following Christmas (and closely following each other). There is no post-holiday lull around here. When Christmas is over, we rip down the decorations to create the illusion that there is some time between it and Chloe's birthday. When Chloe's birthday is over, we move right into Chinese New Year, and usually DURING the CNY celebration week, Cooper's birthday arrives.

Last year, we were newly home from China, and I was still having day-long headaches. We kept everything to a bare minimum. This year, however, I really wanted to give the parties some attention and make them special in small ways.

When Chloe said she wanted a "Tangled" party, I knew EXACTLY where to turn for inspiration: Rebecca. I've read her blog for a LONG time. Long before either of us brought our children home from China, but recently, I have LOVED her blog for a whole new reason- she provides me with ENDLESS inspiration. These days, I am inspired by her fun, intentional, easy, creative kid-friendly ideas on almost every topic on a near daily basis. Seriously, you should bookmark her blog- you'll be glad you did!

Anyway, when Chloe said she wanted a Tangled party, I remembered Rebecca's post about the Tangled party she threw for her daughter. SO.....I clicked over and had enough ideas to make an AWESOME Tangled party for Chloe. (I'm not going to re-link all her links. If you want to know where I got all my ideas....just head over to Rebecca's post! :) )

First, we made some super-cute party favors. (We spent a couple "Friday Mornings with Chloe" doing these together.)

On the day of the party, we set up a few different stations where kids could have fun. They could be an artist like Rapunzel:

Or they could read a book (or maybe two or three) in the reading area. Scot thought this would go largely unused by party guests. I'm happy to report, it was more popular than coloring! :)

All books chosen by my kids.

We also played "Pin the Nose on Flynn Ryder"- that was the biggest hit of the party!

Of course, the menu also reflected the movie: guests got their drinks, (root) beer of course,  at the "Snuggly Duckling" pub,

we "repurposed" Maximus' favorite treat, apples, by slicing them and offering chocolate and caramel dipping sauces (notice we served them in a frying pan....also Rebecca's idea....genius, I tell you!),

But the biggest hit of the party treat-wise, were the "Boats on the Lake". All the adults loved how they looked, all the kids LOVED how they tasted! :) Score!

My creativity stopped at building a cake tower, but when the woman at the local grocery store said they did not have a "Tangled" themed cake, I wasn't sure what to do. She said, however, that she thought she could make us something we'd really love. She'd seen the movie and was willing to create a design entirely her own if we'd trust her. "Sure thing", we said! She did not disappoint!

All in all, it was a really great day. I enjoyed putting together some creative touches with Chloe to make her party special, and Chloe had a GREAT day!

After this party, I had just enough time to rest up and plan for Party #2. Details coming soon!

Lucky Boy

Oh, I have so much to catch you all up on....birthday parties, and other fun things.

However, tonight, I feel like writing about this.

If you are an adoptive parent, you get some version of the "lucky boy (girl)" comment all the time I imagine.

If you are not an adoptive parent, the comment is something like this, "OH, he's such a lucky boy!" Sometimes they'll add that he's lucky to be part of our family or to have been adopted or whatever.

Now, we (adoptive parents) know what people mean when they say that. However, we just don't see it that way, so it's one of the comments that makes us most uncomfortable (and some adoptive parents downright irritated).  I can explain why another time, but check out this small insight from a great post over at We Are Grafted In:

Please don’t make saints of the adoptive family – There are many more families now making the choice to adopt to grow their families for reasons other than infertility. Amen! But, don’t praise the family by telling them how lucky the child is to have them or how wonderful they are to rescue this child. It can be pretty uncomfortable. And, that type of praise actually can be harmful if said in the presence of their children—biological and/or adopted children.

Generally, I am able to understand why people say this, and formulate some kind of response that is tactful and something that hopefully educates them. Recently though, I had a "lucky" comment that downright floored me, left me speechless, and really, really mad.

I was having a simple conversation with a woman who interacts regularly with Cooper. She was asking about his health, and I was saying how excited we were that he "graduated" from twice yearly cardiology visits to just annual visits.

She responded by telling me what a lucky boy he is.

I started to respond by saying, that no, WE are the ones who are blessed.

But, then she interrupted me and said, "No, I mean he's just SO lucky that he was born with that heart condition, because it allowed him to get out of that awful country."

For. Real.

I paused because a) I was literally stunned speechless and b) to give her a second to rephrase that in a way that didn't make me want to scream at her.

She didn't rephrase. In fact, she went on to say, "You know what I mean? Think of the life he would have had compared to the life he has now."

In one fell swoop she managed to say how awesome it is that Cooper has a heart condition, insult his birth country (which we love), and completely minimize the loss and hurt Cooper has experienced in his  life suggesting that living in America outweighs all that.

I have no idea how I responded to her. All I know is that I willed myself to be courteous (because I suppose it was the right thing to do AND there were several other women in the room), and I ended the conversation.

Here is how I would have liked to respond:

"Really? Lucky to have been born with a serious, life-threatening heart condition? Lucky that that heart condition is likely the reason his birth parents felt they had no option but to abandon him? Lucky that he lived in an orphanage for 13 months before undergoing open-heart surgery without a mom or a dad to stand vigil, hold his hand, and care for him as he recuperated? Lucky he has lost his birth parents, his beloved foster family, all his friends, his culture,  his language, and everything that has ever been comfortable and familiar to him and had to adapt to a whole new life that is completely foreign to him? Lucky that he grieves those losses daily in various ways? Lucky that he sometimes sobs because he misses China so much?

Really?

If that were you child or grandchild, just how lucky would that seem to you, I wonder? In what universe would a child who has gone through that be considered lucky?"

Or maybe:

"Yeah, seriously. Being born with a life-threatening heart-condition is such a blessing sometimes, huh? Especially when it results in you losing absolutely everything important and familiar in your life and having to start over completely when you are just about to turn 4. Yeah. He's livin' the dream alright."

You might be wanting to say, "But, Jenna, you know what she means."

You know, maybe I used to. But, what I'm saying is that once you adopt a child, you are acutely aware of the loss that child has experienced and the deep, deep hurt that causes them. In no way does any of that seem "lucky", and someone saying he is lucky because of it seems ignorant, thoughtless, and insensitive.

Am I thankful that he now has a family forever who will love him and walk with him through every bit of that hurt?

Yes, I am.

Should the fact that he is in America and in our family negate all that loss and hurt and grief and make him feel "lucky"?  No.

If my parents died in a car crash shortly after I was born, I was discovered to have a major illness requiring major medical intervention to survive, I lived for a couple of years in foster care and then I was adopted to a (loving) family in Singapore because there was no family for me here in the US, would you say, "OH, what a lucky girl"?

No, you simply would not.

I'm not saying you should say, "Oh, that poor boy (girl)" either. We don't want our kids to act like, be treated like,  or be seen as victims. I'm just pointing out how ludicrous it sounds to say a child is lucky simply because in the end they ended up in America.

And saying a child is lucky to have been born with a life-threatening condition? It doesn't matter "where you are going" with that comment. Shut up.

As for insulting my child's country of birth? Please just don't. We happen to love China, and while it has it's issues (just like the United States I might remind you), the people there are beautiful and our son is one of them. When you insult his country, you insult him and us. I feel like this should be obvious. But, in case it is not, there you go. Keep your thoughts on international affairs to yourself.

Thankfully, this was an over-the-top comment. Not one I will likely get again. I dare say I don't know many people who would be so bold or thoughtless as this woman was.

Hopefully this experience left me more prepared to answer the next question or comment- whatever it might be. I'm thinking it can't get much worse than this!

And, if you want to pray that I can be as successful at taming my tongue next time, that might not hurt either.

The Year of the Dragon

Oh, the last few weeks have been full. Full to the brim.

I'm going to go back and cover birthdays later, but I'm going to start with Chinese New Year. Last year, we were newly home from China, I was still recovering, and we celebrated very simply. I decided this year, I'd go a bit more all out.

I still didn't get the Chinese New Year tree up. However, since I didn't have all my ornaments yet anyway, I didn't care. I know, a CNY tree isn't traditional anyway, but it's my thing (with big red bulb lights and zodiac ornaments), and it looks awfully cool when I get it up. I did get some plum blossoms though!

This year, I focused on sharing with others about CNY and making my kids feel special in the process. So, I asked each of their teachers if they would be willing to allow me to come in to do a short lesson on CNY for their respective classes. Each of them said, "YES!"

It was a BLAST!

In Chloe's class, I read "My First Chinese New Year" by Karen Katz, and "Bringing in the New Year" by Grace Lin.  Then, because it is the Year of the Dragon, we made dancing dragons. I wasn't sure about this project, but they came out AWESOME, and the kids LOVED dancing around to dragon dance music with them to scare the Ni'an away! I also gave them all mandarin oranges as a "good luck" with for the new year.

In Cooper's class, I read the same books I read to Chloe's class. However, the teachers didn't give me enough time to do a craft. So, I bought the kids crowns. They have no basis in tradition, but when we went to the party store, that's what Cooper wanted. SO......that's what Cooper got! They looked so cute, and I suppose they do have dragons on them!

With Sawyer's class, I wanted to do something extra special. I also wanted to put together a kit for myself I could use easily in the future. That way, each year, I can grab the kit and go into their classes with a fun, interactive lesson that is all prepared for me already. Plus, Sawyer's teacher gave me an HOUR! That's a lot of time!

So, I spent a LOT of time reading about the main traditions of Chinese New Year, and boiling it down to twenty "artifacts" of Chinese New Year- things that the kids could hold in their hands that would highlight a particular part of the CNY celebration.

My favorite of all the artifacts were the two dumplings I sewed out of felt, and stuffed with cotton balls! Who wants to guess what the Dog Bones represent?

Anyway, once I had all my 20 artifacts collected, I put them all in brown paper bags (some grocery bags, but mostly lunch bags) and numbered them form 1-20. When I got to Sawyer's class, I gave out one bag to each student. I told them they could not open their bag until I called their number.

I proceeded to go down through the bags number by number. When the kids would pull out their artifacts, I would explain what that had to do with Chinese New Year. The kids sat with rapt attention, because they could NOT wait to see what would come out of their bag. Plus, I told them there were two lucky bags- the kids that had those bags would get to keep (and possibly even share) the contents of the bag. The girl who got the red envelope with a dollar in it was the envy of the class, and the boy who got the bag full of mandarin oranges to share was pretty psyched as well!

Then, we did a Think-Pair-Share Venn diagram activity that allowed the kids to compare and contrast how we celebrate the calendar new year here in the US with how Lunar New Year is celebrated in China.

Think-Pair-Share means that they had a minute to brainstorm their ideas for the Venn Diagram. Then, they paired up with one or two other classmates to share ideas and fill out the Venn Diagram better than they could with just their ideas alone. Then, each group contributed their ideas to a large Venn Diagram for the class.

See my home-sewn dumplings there in that picture?!?!? :)

The kids really enjoyed it. It is, of course, customary to start the new year off with a fresh start, and since I couldn't buy the whole class new clothes, I bought them the one thing that would be great for a fresh start in a classroom: a new (dragon) pencil. I also gave them papers to take home describing their zodiac animal (it was one of the "artifacts" in one of the bags). It was a BLAST, and the lesson is highly adaptable for various age-levels, class sizes, and time periods- which makes it PERFECT for me! I am SO glad I took the time to put it all together this year!

To wrap up our celebration at home, we had some delicious take out, and ended dinner with a much anticipated dragon cake! 

Kelly inspired me with a post about hers. Normally, I wouldn't even attempt it, but I was on such a roll! So, having never (ever) baked a cake before, I just jumped in with both feet. It came out better than it looks in the picture, but my vision of making green and red "scales" with M&M's did not come to fruition because they kept slipping off. So, it's not exactly what I had hoped for, but I was really quite happy with it. I chose a home-colored (by Chloe) dragon face instead of store-bought, and she was VERY happy about that honor!

All-in-all, it was a great celebration of the Year of Dragon here. And, I *think* we are even going to have a little Lantern Festival of our own this year as well! I'll keep you posted on that!

Meanwhile, I'm putting my feet up for a day or two before Cooper's birthday party is upon me!

Intentional

Yes, I know I have a blog.

Yes, I know I have been neglecting it.

But, I have been neglecting it, because I have filling my life chock full of home-spun birthday parties, self-created Chinese New Year lessons for three different classrooms, basketball (x2), weekly ski lessons (x2) and just spending time making memories! I've been very intentional about my days lately.

I will post soon....when I get more than ten consecutive free minutes.

I have LOTS of fun (and pictures) to share with you!

Resolved

Resolutions.

They've never been my thing.

I just don't think life works that way: you make a declaration that you are going to do something, and then, you'll do it. I just feel like it sets me up at the beginning of the year to feel like a miserable failure at my own life (which is, by the way, something I should be rather good at- living my own life).

However, this year, I feel really impressed to make some changes. Nothing radical or anything, and not really resolutions, so to speak. More like things I want to keep on my proverbial "dashboard" this year. Things I want to become habits in my life so I will have to...*gulp*....resolve to do them.

What I've learned about myself in the last three years is that intentionality is NOT my strongest suit.

I have to be intentional about being intentional.

So this year, I'm making some of my intentions public so that you all can keep me accountable.

First of all, I have Chloe to myself only on Friday mornings while both of the boys are in school but she is not because she is in afternoon kindergarten. And, that will only last six more months. Then, my one-on-one time with Chloe will have to be created. It won't just be there for me. So, I'd have to be intentional about creating it, and we all know where that will get me. SO.....my first intention this year is to keep Friday mornings as completely Chloe and Mommy time until June when that time is gone. Every Friday morning, my phone gets turned off, computer gets ignored, and Chloe and I do something special together. Not always something big and flashy, just something that allows me time to be with her, focus on her, and enjoy her while I can.

Today was the first Friday of the new year, and we went shopping to get all the supplies for her birthday party, and then we came home and started creating some of the party stuff. Totally simple, but Chloe was thrilled. It was all about her and me.

I am SO looking forward to Fridays with Chloe. I'll try to post each week what we do- so I can be accountable.

My second intention of the new year is to prioritize my health. There are three very specific reasons for this. First, in the summer, I went to the doctor because I was feeling exhausted all the time. Long story short, after some blood tests, they told me that I am basically one bad blood test away form being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. My family history is worse than bad with diabetes, but I'm not doing myself any favors either with poor exercise/diet choices.

Secondly, I'm just starting to feel old. Seriously. I am only 37, while it is dangerously close to 40 and that's somewhat shocking because I'm pretty sure I just turned 30 a couple of months ago. But, I know I would feel younger and look younger if I took control of my health.

Thirdly, my sister asked me to be in her wedding. Nothing like a wedding to help you get in shape, huh?

So, I'm going to make better food choices, and I'm going to exercise 30 minutes every day, NO EXCUSES. (I just want to say that I want to delete that sentence because I really feel as though some things aren't excuses, they are facts of life. I'm really good at making excuses.)

Anyway, I'll be reporting to you all how I'm doing. You probably don't care if I walk on the treadmill on any given day, but, hey....if I feel like you are wondering, maybe it will help me get on the darn thing every day!

My third intention for the new year is to create one-on-one time with Sawyer by scheduling a monthly Sawyer and Mom date. Again, simple, but when not scheduled intentionally, it falls by the wayside. I am also going to create time to read with him and help him get into the habit of spending time with God by walking through a devotional together. I'll keep you posted on what we choose and how we like it. Right now, we're reading the ever-so-spiritual book, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix! :)

Sure, there are other things in my life I really need to be more intentional about. However, I'm starting with and focusing on these three, because I think they are all really important right now.

What are you planning to be more intentional about in 2012?