Joy and Longing

We've been busy here. With what? I don't know. I couldn't even tell you. Just stuff. So, I've been spending less time on the computer, and that's a GOOD thing. However, I can't help but check up on Andy and Rebecca, and if you haven't seen the pictures of Owen in his Mama's arms, well, you really need to get right over there to check it out. It took my breath away.

Then, my dear friend, Andrea, announced that her family has accepted the referral of a beautiful boy this week. I'd tell you to head over there to see a picture, but there are not any pictures over there. Oh no. She wouldn't do that since it is, you know, rumored to be against the "rules". Nope, she's a big rule-follower and she did not post a picture. But, I'll bet he's a super-cute little peanut!

And all this fills my heart to overflowing.  To see moms and dad hugging their kids for the first time. To see (um, NOT see) a little boy who has no idea his mama is coming for him as fast as she possibly can (and with carry-on-only for luggage.....is that even possible?????) to get him. That's what it is all about, and it really does bring me lots of joy. 

But, when I was reading to my kids at bedtime last night and thinking of all this (I can read a book and think of something else altogether.....am I weird or is that normal?) I started getting so choked up I almost couldn't read. And, they didn't feel like happy tears.....or sad tears.....more like tears of longing (is there such thing?).  Tears of a mom who just wants her baby home with us.

Which brings me to an adoption update of sorts. Scot and I have talked quite a lot about putting in an application for a waiting child. After a LOT of consideration and discussion, we decided to go ahead and do it. Our agency received Hague accredidation and would get their Waiting Child program up-and-running any time, so we called to ask for an application and some details. 

Andrea, sit down for this because you're going to blow a gasket. They told us, "No". No, we can't even have an application, let alone turn one in. Why? Because when their Hague approval was denied, there were 44 families on the list. So, they are going to wait and see when they get through referrals for all (or most of) those 44 families, then they will open things back up and we can apply then. 

You know, if that made any bit of sense to me I might have taken that well. But, what do they care how many people are in that *line*? Why not allow people to put in an application.....it would make us feel better even if it wouldn't change a thing. 

OK, we asked, if you can't provide us the adoption services we need (that WERE available to us when we chose this agency), then what do we have to do to have our dossier moved to another agency? Oh boy. Wrong thing to say. That's when the rhetoric and the fear-tactics started.

  Them: "The CCAA doesn't allow that.

Us: "We'd like to see that in writing."

Them: *longer than normal silence* "Well, they don't put it in writing because they reserve the right to do whatever they want." 

Us: "So we can write to them to ask them to allow us to switch."

Them: "Well, there was a family who wrote directly to the CCAA and their dossier was pulled"

Us: *thinking* Yeah, right! More like you don't want a bad report for your agency getting back to the CCAA.

 Thankfully, we saw through all that crap for what it was. However, that doesn't change a lot. We could go ahead and do that, but in the time it would take us to get a response from China (if they even bothered to respond at all) our agency will probably finally get approval by the CCAA to start their waiting children program again. Once they clear out those 44 families, we could apply.......assuming they are being forthright with us. But.......those are a lot of "ifs" and we don't trust our agency anymore to give us an honest answer. Besides, who knows how long that would all take? 

Scot got someone form the China team on the phone, and at the end of that conversation she sent us the application and told us to go ahead and fill it in and she would turn it in for us when the program opens back up again. OKAY......the director told me just a couple weeks agao that I couldn't even have the application.  The point for me now isn't even can I get the application or turn it in, but WHY ISN"T EVERYONE GIVING OUT THE SAME INFO? Is some other family out there being told something else altogether? Maybe being allowed to apply? 

I supported our agency while their Hague approval status was in limbo. I went on their message boards when everyone else was ripping into them and saying some awful stuff and I said that I had confidence they would get the issue resolved (if only out of complete self-interest) and that we should all refrain from blasting them until we waited to see how it all shook down. And......when I tell you I was in the vast minority in my support it would be an understatement. So, I feel really, really let down. 

Anyway......since someone will surely tell me this, I will mention that we realize that we could start over with a new dossier and a new agency. We really considered this, but for various reasons, I just don't think that is the right thing for us to do. 

I just feel so STUCK and really, really disappointed....in my agency.....in their staff (which has been curt and defensive at best). I realize that it's all semantics. That allowing us to put in an application while they don't have any Waiting Children coming in at the moment anyway wouldn't change  A THING.......except maybe that it would make me (and probably a bunch of other families) feel like our agency cares about us and our adoption plans more than........well, whatever it is they care about. I just do not understand how it puts them out in any way to add families to the list now?

So there.........I got it off my chest. Had we gone with another agency we'd probably be expecting a referral any day now (through the waiting child program). Instead, I pressed ahead with our agency in full confidence, and here we are..........who knows how long before any kind of referral (although it will surely be measured in YEARS). 

So, I'm so thankful for the opportunity to share in the joy of other families, but some days, the longing just gets the best of me. I am trying to not let it steal my joy though.

However, today, I'm furiously cleaning the house because our home study update is on Saturday. No time for longing, the bathroom needs cleaning!! :)