I have debated long and hard about whether to write about this or not, but I have decided to for three important reasons:
1) It's the truth.
2) I felt like the worst person in the world when it happened to me, and I think part of that was that I had never heard of anyone else having these same feelings though many surely have (or maybe not in which case I may be sorry to be the first person to admit it). Feeling like you are having a reaction no one has ever had makes the feelings feel even worse. Maybe me admitting this will help someone else.
3) Most importantly of all, it contains the most significant moment in our referral story for me. The moment I'll always come back to if I ever panic again.
But, please........if you have nothing nice to say, after reading this post, please refrain from commenting. Honesty is hard sometimes, and for me, this is VERY, VERY hard to write- especially from the place I'm in now when I feel very, very differently (better).
The joy of being matched lasted about 24 hours for me.
I'm not sure I felt joy at all that day we called to tell our agency that we were sending in our LOI (Letter of Intent to Adopt).
In fact, my matter-of-factness, my taking-care-of-the-business of it, never actually yielded any emotions. However, after hanging up the phone, the fear began to build up- growing more and more as the hours ticked by. By Thursday night (the day after accepting our referral), once I had the kids in bed and the house was quiet (remember Scot was away the week we accepted our referral), I began to feel panic almost physically strangling me.
Scot called that evening to say good-night to the kids and to let me know that he really couldn't talk to me that night because everyone was going out. I told him I needed to talk to him and that it really could not wait until morning. Who knows what else I said, but after the kids were in bed, Scot called back (having excused himself from the events of the evening), and I fell apart on the phone with him.
Every fear, doubt, anxiety, worry, every bit of it came pouring out. And, that's not like me. In this whole adoption process, if I've gotten really freaked out at any point, I tried to temper it with Scot fearing I'd freak him out too much. But, I figured it was now or never to let it all out. Not about adoption in general, but about "Evan" in particular. I'm not sure how he even understood what I was saying over the phone because I was so emotional.
I covered it all. Every "what if". And, that was no small task, because at that point, there were for me, still many, many unanswered questions.
I told Scot point blank that I thought we may have made a mistake, and that IF that's what we ultimately decided, HE would need to call our agency, because I simply would not be able to. (Scot's never called our agency. I handle all that.)
Scot patiently listened to it all, told me that if we felt like we needed to change our minds that he would "absolutely" call the agency for me, but that he thought I should let him get home the next day before we made any decisions. We both knew that it was nearly Friday in China anyway, so we should take the weekend to talk and pray. He felt sure that once he was home we would figure it out.
After that conversation, I felt better. Mostly, because I got it all out. There was no question about where I was at- I was terrified.
During these couple days, I told no one about our referral (besides my one dear friend who already knew about it, and our pastor). I couldn't look at Evan's picture. In fact, I had called my mother-in-law on Wednesday after accepting the referral and got her voice mail. When she called me back on Thursday I pretended like I had forgotten why I had called.
I couldn't bring myself to tell her. THAT's how bad it was.
(I remember it so well that I'm crying just typing this. It was awful to feel that way.)
After my conversation with Scot, I went to New Day's website and looked at every. single. picture. of Evan they had. I looked hoping I would recognize him. Because looking back, I think that is what bothered me the most.
I didn't recognize him.
I had thought when I saw the face of my child I would know him (or her). That there would be some magic or something. Or that it would be a very spiritual moment. Or, you know, anything but a series of very intentional decisions. Which is what it was.
I didn't get a phone call out of the blue and click open the e-mail to see my child's face for the first time. Because that's how you think of it in all those years of waiting. And just like when I struggled after having Sawyer via c-section (the LAST thing I expected and certainly was never part of my becoming-a-mom fantasies), I realize now that I was struggling again with reality verses how I imagined it would be.
Then there were the very REAL questions on top of that:
* Does he have Hep B? And, if so, in combination with his heart issue would that be something life-threatening possibly?
* What is the result of his oxygen deprivation in his first year?
* And what about his age? What business do we, unexperienced adoptive parents, have adopting an almost 4 year old? He's only a year younger than Chloe!!!
On Friday, Scot came home, and I'm not sure I had ever, EVER been so glad to have him back from a trip EVER. And honestly, we only casually talked about Evan that night and even through Saturday. I actually don't remember much about those two days (partly because of the Camp KidsWay closing program Friday night and me being emotionally and physically exhausted on Saturday from everything that week).
I know we prayed about it, but don't remember much else.
On Sunday morning, I was on my way to church by myself. I have to be there early, so I always go by myself, and Scot comes during second service with the kids. In the car, I prayed very specifically, and I remember exactly what I said: "God, I need to hear from you today, and I'm in a very emotional state. Anything less than complete clarity will only confuse me. Can you please be crystal clear with me this morning?"
Nothing fluffy or ornate. Just a simple honest prayer.
But, as soon as I uttered it, I wondered how it would ever be clear enough for me in the state I was in. I remember distinctly thinking, "Unless I hear 'You should adopt Evan' or 'You shouldn't adopt Evan', will I really walk away feeling sure?" Any amount of faith I had seemed gone in those moments.
Usually, I go to church during first service, and Scot attends second service. Unfortunately, that's just how it is because second service for us is very busy, and I have to be back in children's ministry that hour. However, on this particular day, Scot showed up early, and went to church with me.
Our pastor wasn't teaching that morning, and one of the people Scot and I respect most in the world was speaking. This man has been a missionary around the world, and is a walking example of what a life looks like when lived trusting God to the fullest!
This morning, he was speaking about Noah. He talked about a lot of things, but he specifically talked about how the call that God made on Noah's life could not have made a whole lot of sense to Noah. Noah had never seen rain. And, the Bible doesn't say that Noah had any skill at building. Noah, the speaker said, probably felt completely inadequate for the task. The task HAD to have seemed too big for him, too hard, too unknown, too scary. I mean, God told Noah he was going to destroy everything on the earth. That had to have been unsettling at the very least! Everything in Noah's world must have felt turned up-side down, but because He walked with and trusted God, he did it.
Then, right there in the middle of the sermon, with his British accent in full tilt, the speaker says: "So......what is God asking you to do today? *there might as well have been a l-o-n-g pause here, because I remember it as if time stood still* Does it seem hard, scary, unknown? I don't know what God has called you to today, but I am here to tell you JUST DO IT!" (That was all caps on purpose because he yelled it. The man is 80 years old, and he yelled it!)
Could God have been ANY clearer? At all? Really?
JUST DO IT!
And the choice of words? Echoed the EXACT words Kelly had said to me when I told her we accepted our referral. She said, while she talked to me on the phone that night, she just wanted to yell, "JUST DO IT!" :)
(Apparently, Kelly, because you didn't yell it at me, God found someone else to yell it instead! ;) )
Tears immediately started rolling down my face, and I leaned over to Scot and said, "I think we have our answer."
He just smiled, and was gracious enough NOT to say, "No, I had my answer all along. It seems that now you have YOUR answer!"
That's in my mind when Evan became Cooper. When all my doubts and fears took a distant back seat to the fact that this was oh-so-clearly the child GOD had chosen for our family.
I will always, always be so thankful that God cared enough about me to speak to me right where I was at that morning. To assure me when I was doubting. To answer my very specific prayer- and to do it in such a resounding way.
That next week, after we got PA, we requested an update for Cooper. Specifically, we asked for updated lab results so that we could see what his Hep B status was. The woman at our agency said she would ask, but that updated medical info is not generally given and so we shouldn't expect it.
A few days later, we got a short update, and some pictures. The update did not contain any updated lab work. We were disappointed, but ok with whatever. However, when we looked through the pictures, the last picture was a jpeg file of Cooper's most updated lab results, where we could see VERY clearly that the ambiguous test results were gone, and he was quite clearly NOT Hep B positive.
I thanked God that day for those lab results, because although I would have trusted Him either way, He knew how scared we were about that, and he took that fear completely away.
How great is our God indeed.