I *think* I have a moment to myself. Can it be?
Kids sleeping. Scot out playing soccer. I'm here with my computer, chores done, and time on my hands. Ah, how I've wished for this moment several times over the last few days (weeks?). I've had a lot to say. In fact, I had a running list in my head of several post titles to help me remember what I wanted to say (because it was oh, so important, of course).
Do you think I can remember a single one of them now?
No, of course not. I have a minute here to type, but I got nothin'. UGH.
Why can't they invent some sort of gadget that will read your mind while you are in the shower at 6:30 in the morning and turn it into a blog post? You know....the waterproof iMindReader. IF someone (Steve J0bs) would invent that, then I'd be blogger of the year, because I get all my best, deep, most meaningful thoughts in the shower at 6:30 in the morning when the next possible moment that I just may be able to get to the computer is an easy 13 hours later at which point my brain is mush and I can't remember how to be coherent. (As illustrated by this post.)
How about an update?
Nothing has changed.
That was easy. :)
OK, well.......I guess I could update you a bit more! Scot and I have talked a lot about how long to wait for this child we fell in love with that lives on the other side of the world. I'd wait till I knew he has a family. However long that takes. That's just me. Scot is concerned about his age. At this point, he'd be 3 by the time we'd bring him home if we got a referral like tomorrow.......
We started this adoption process thinking we'd adopt a baby, not a toddler....and most certainly not a preschooler. So, in the fall, Scot asked me what I thought the "window" was- meaning the window in which I expected this little guy's file to show up on the list. I told him I thought that October - February was the most likely window. But, what do I know? It was 100% guess....and it was a hopeful guess at that. Scot latched onto that and said that if he wasn't on the list by Valentines Day that he felt strongly that we needed to open up our file and not be exclusively looking for this little one.
I'll admit, it was hard for me to agree to that, but I did. I understood Scot's reasoning, and I just felt on this, I needed him to say when enough was enough, because I never would.
For whatever reason, when the January list came out, I had a sense of expectation that I can only describe to you with a picture:
(That's me nervously waddling into the OR excited to meet baby #2.)
I literally felt the same way I did that morning....this is IT. I was anxiously excited....like a kid on the night before Christmas. I told people about the list coming out (because now they TELL you when the list will come out)....lots of people. WAY. TOO. MANY. PEOPLE.
Big, fat mistake. I'll spare you the details, but sum it up by saying January was hard for me emotionally. Telling everyone that nope, it wasn't our month was awful. Not because it was much different than any other month for me, but because I had to share my disappointment with everyone. And, you know, I am kind of a private person. Open book, yes, but also really private too.....I know it's weird, and the combo causes me stress sometimes. I didn't want to have to explain to everyone how I was feeling. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and disappear for a few days. In addition to that was my realization that that was the last list before Valentines Day. I just had a sick feeling. I didn't want to know where Scot's head was at with it, so I didn't even ask.
But, my kids got a really fun stomach bug, Scot's company announced a "restructuring" coming up, and he got a crazy, amazing job offer that (you are kidding me, right?) required relocation, so I had my share of other stuff to keep my mind off it all.
Then, my agency announced that another list was going to be released....a week before Valentines Day. Interesting timing considering our "deadline" was the first thing that ran through our minds. We were excited about this "surprise", very early list. And, hopeful. This time, we only told our closest friends. That turned out to be a mistake too. I'm not fond of having to tell ANYONE that it wasn't our month. Just knowing that info is hard enough.....articulating it to people and trying to put on a brave face just makes it harder.
As it turns out, I HATE knowing when these darn lists will be released. It was easier NOT knowing.
After this last list, I exchanged several e-mails with our agency and they said that after the CNY holiday they will ask their Beijing office to determine whether he's already been matched or not. I didn't ask them to do that, they offered and I was excited and eager to take them up on it. I called Scot to tell him that, and he immediately said, "Then, I think we should keep waiting."
So, Valentines Day came and went, and we're still waiting. We just aren't ready to move on yet. And, for Scot, that's saying a LOT. He's a guy that LOVES babies. Loves them......and he really wants another one. But, even he for some reason isn't ready to move on yet. (Could it be because Chloe has told everyone this side of the Mississippi about her brother "______" in China?")
So, we wait and pray for now. We'll see what next month brings.
I was very discouraged and very much tempted to have a pity party for myself more than once since the new year, but I've been going through Beth Moore's study "Believing God". This study has been a source of tremendous encouragement for me right now. funny, I bought the book when I started a Bible study when Chloe was 9 months old. When Chloe decided she was not at all interested in me being out of the house one night a week, I had to drop out of the study, and I only picked it back up in November ish. I've been working through it at my own (SLOW) pace, and I'll tell you...the timing could not be more perfect for me.
As we face a new list, I'm hopeful again. How can I not be? I feel the same way I did when I was 9 days overdue with Sawyer. I woke up every morning hopeful: will this finally be the day I'll get to meet this little guy? And, I went to bed every night disappointed and sad that it wasn't.
I don't feel this way because I am mad at God or unwilling to wait or even having a difficult time with the wait really.
No, it's because I'm excited. I'm filled with joyful expectation of God's next blessing in our life, and I'm eager to know the story of how it will all unfold. I completely trust God with the details AND the timing. And, I can even deal with the disappointment knowing that His plan is far better than mine anyway, and He is never a day late (though I tend to be early and proceed to stand there tapping my foot).
I just know the kinds of stories that God writes, and I'm so anxious (in the "it's-the-night-before-Christmas" way) to read ours.
