Our Story- Part 4: Fear and the Discovery of my Idol

So, it's been almost a year since I left off telling our adoption story. I'm sure you've all just been chomping at the bit to hear the rest, huh? Truth be told, I've been just putting it off because, well.....this part makes me look like the Queen of Selfishness and makes Scot look like the King of Faithlessness or more aptly, we'd be the Duke and Duchess of Selfish Faithlessness. It's not a pretty combo, really.

But, it's our story, the kids are in bed, Scot's out playing softball, and well......I gotta finish the story sometime.

You can click in the sidebar to read Parts 1-3, you know, in all your spare time! :)

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I spent the better part of early 2007 agonizing over this adoption thing. It kept me up at night- often in a flood of tears. I would read about it all day. I would pray and pray some more. To say that I wrestled with God for the better part of a year would be an understatement. I had heard God clearly speak to me and call me to adoption as the next step for our family, and yet I doubted it at every turn. And, when I wasn't doubting, I was crippled with fear.

Here's the thing- in adoption, there is so much you can't control. Like, well.........everything. :) You control no part of it. Now, when we had our children, we couldn't control much of that either, but at least there is the illusion of control and some familiarity with the gene pool involved that gives you a comfort level you can cling to on days when you get scared.

Adoption, not so much.

As parents what do we spend our lives doing? Keeping brokenness out. We buckle our kids into our car seats so they won't be literally broken. We choose a God-honoring church, teach them about God's love, and pray with and for them so they won't be spiritually broken. We kiss and hug them daily, jump quickly to comfort their hurts, and keep them on a predictable schedule for food and sleep that let's them know we love them ridiculously. We don't let them out in the neighborhood when we aren't watching, we teach them about strangers, and we don't let them sleep over at someone's house unless their family or LIKE family (at least that's my theory on things).......all so they won't be emotionally broken.

So, during most of the beginning of 2007, I realized on some level that God was really asking us to open the doors of our family and invite brokenness right on in. For me, that was about the scariest thing you could ask me to do. I built my life around making sure my kids were ridiculously loved, protected, and secure and keeping their loss, insecurities and brokenness as close to zero as possible.

That's when I realized that my family- my marriage and my kids had become an idol for me- something that ranked in importance above God in my life. With my head I would have said at the time, anything, anywhere, anytime, Lord. But, really, I meant, anywhere, anything, anytime, unless it won't have any negative impact on my husband and my kids.

I remember living the first 30+ years of my life being thankful that God had never called me to go to Africa or some other scary (to me, at the time), unknown place to serve Him. However, once I realized that God was calling me to bring into our family a child with a level of loss and brokenness and need that I was altogether uncomfortable with, I remember wishing that God had instead called us to pack up our kids and go to Africa or anywhere, just as long as the brokenness would be outside our family. That way, we could get some respite from it if we needed it when our well ran dry. That way, if it didn't work out, we could always come home.

That way, it wouldn't break me, or my marriage or my kids in the process.

I was terrified (and Scot whole-heartedly shared this fear) that we'd bring home a child with such need- tantrums, anger, goodness only knows what (again, I had NO adoption knowledge at this point- no good info to combat my fear)- that our two kids that we adored and wanted the best for, would suffer because of it. That's we'd lose our happy, not-broken family. We would do harm to our kids by bringing brokenness home to stay.

I mean, you can come home from Africa if it doesn't work out. (Yes, I realize that if God calls you to Africa, it's not as simple as coming home if it doesn't work out, but you know what I mean.) If you adopt a child, if you promise a child who needs a family, that you will love them forever, well......you can't come home if it doesn't work out.

Now, listen.........this is my story. I told you this would paint me in an unflattering light, and I know how awful all these thoughts sound. I do. But, these are the thoughts that consumed me and Scot for the first 8 months of 2007. This is sheer honesty.

We were terrified to say the least.

But, God would not let us go. He loves us too much to leave us where we are. And, at the same time as all these fears were raging, we also would talk (on our not fear-filled days), about how it seemed God made us uniquely for this. We both love kids. Scot always says that the thing he loves best in life is being a dad, and if you know him, you can see that. I grew up feeling like I had no special talent that God could use, but everyone always said how great I was with kids. And, I loved them. And, both Scot and I have soft hearts for those who hurt. We would talk about how these things that didn't seem like a really big deal every before, now seemed to us to be traits placed in each of us by God for a purpose that we never would have guessed.

We both wanted to obey desperately- we were just SO scared. Me- mostly that I was not equipped for the task and that my kids would be negatively affected. Scot- shared my concerns, but primarily he was worried about money. We were renting half of a duplex next to drug dealers, we had saved almost enough money for a down payment on a house, and now....this? Did this mean we would live "in the zone" (as we called it) forever?

For me this was the hardest part: I knew God had called us, but Scot wasn't feeling "called" just yet. For me, part of the fear was that I was going to "convince" him, that it would go badly or the road would be very, very hard, and it would break us. That was not a risk I felt I could take. Yes, I knew what God was calling me to do- and in part for me that included helping Scot to seek and respond to God on this- but I couldn't risk adopting if Scot wasn't 100% on board with no reservations. I knew I couldn't "convince" him. He would ultimately have to hear God's call all on his own.

I knew all my fear would go away once he said "Yes" and he was with me 100%. Sure, we'd still be afraid, but if we made a decision to TOGETHER trust God with our family, come what may, I knew we'd be ok.

No More Whining

I started a post that sounded a lot like whining and dripped with self-pity because tonight is the night the new WC list comes out- the list we assumed we'd be matched from.

Instead, I think I will post the verse that spoke to me loud and clear Sunday morning during worship. It's a good reminder for me.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And earth has nothing I desire but you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:25-26

Two Reasons

Two reasons why waiting is actually pretty easy most days........

What a tremendous blessing they are to me.

Later Rather Than Sooner

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

This verse is a good, good reminder to me all the time, but particularly in the last month. Particularly this week. Particularly Wednesday, when Scot's company announced layoffs in June.

He saw it coming when everyone else swore everything was ok, so he's ahead of the game. He's been interviewing and sending out resumes for some time. And, I am SO thankful that it "just so happened" he had an interview yesterday. It is very encouraging to have a 2nd interview the day after your company announces lay offs.

It's also encouraging to get a call the very next morning that you've been asked back for a 3rd interview. (Next week, Wednesday, if you'd like to pray with us.)

But, in all of this, I called our agency just to ask my "What if?" questions. Long story short, it would be irresponsible of us to bring home a child with a medical need if we have no insurance (or, you know.......income). We knew that already. Therefore, it would be irresponsible of us to accept a referral this month and then next month have Scot lose his job and put us in that very situation. Certainly it would reflect very poorly on us if we accepted a referral and had to then decline because Scot lost his job.

All this to say, we are again on hold with our agency. So, no referral for us this month. Top of the list or not.

I've said it all along, and I'll say it again.......God knows the child He has chosen for our family and He knows when he/she will be on the list. I trust in His plan and in His timing because He knows the whole story beginning to end, and we just don't. (Much as we would REALLY like to.)

And, you know, the joke is on me in some ways. In our children's ministry, we focus on one virtue every month. Then, every week, we focus on one Bible story that teaches us a different aspect of that virtue (we call that a "Bottom Line").

Anyone want to take a wild guess what this month's virtue is?

Patience: waiting until later for what you want now.

Seriously, I couldn't make this up.....I'm not that creative. And, here are the "Bottom Lines" for the month:

• If you don't wait, it could cost you. Remember what Esau traded away for a bowl of soup because he let his stomach go to his head? (Genesis 25)
• Don't get tired of doing the right thing. If only the Israelites had kept on following God instead of the crowd! (Exodus 19; 32)
• Don't miss out because you think you can't wait. Have you ever thought about what Joshua and the Israelites would've missed if they hadn't followed God's marching orders? (Joshua 3; 6)
• If you don't wait, it could hurt others. There are "gasoline girls" and there are "water boys." Which one are you? (Proverbs 15:18)

So, I guess I'll soak it all in......apparently, God wants to teach me about patience and relying on Him.

*The curriculum I mentioned is 252 Basics, and I would HIGHLY recommend it, if you're in the market for that sort of thing! :)

Answer to Prayer

Last month, I posed about the "Other Side of the Waiting" asking you to praying with me that the little guy we have been praying for would be matched that month (April). I just wanted to thank you SO much for your prayers, and let you know that God answered them- before we even prayed them- and he delivered the answer to us at the very end of last month.

Our agency called two days after the April list came out to say they had searched the list for "Liam" by every criteria they could think of, and he wasn't there. So, they contacted his home orphanage yet again and asked if they knew where his paperwork is. It turns out he has been matched with his family (not us), and an e-mail to New Day let me know that this month, his family will be coming for him.

I am so thankful. So profoundly thankful.

Sure, we've been sad. I'm not gonna lie and say getting that news was easy (even if we experienced a complete peace). However, there is NO WAY to be sad for long knowing that our prayers have been so clearly answered, and that Liam will have a family. He will celebrate his third birthday at home. I'm thankful that God answered our prayer- our "Please, Lord, this month" prayers. Clearly he was matched in a previous month, but God allowed us to find out in the month that we asked specifically to know!

Truthfully, I think I knew that it would turn out this way in February. The night the list was supposed to come out in February, we were at a Casting Crowns concert. The concert was AWESOME, so it distracted me from the constant wondering and clock watching. At some point in the concert though, Mark Hall asked, "What is it God is asking you to give up?"

I don't recall the context, but in that moment, my mind was filled with only one thought: Liam. I wish I could say that I laid him down and walked away, but no. I figured that was the only thought in my head at that moment because the list was coming out that night. However, that moment was the beginning for me of a slow realization.....of changing the face of our child......of accepting what I was now starting to believe would happen. And, if you do the "math", it could well have been the night Liam was matched!

So, when the call came, I cried, but was also filled with complete peace. Our prayers all along had been for God's will and not our own. I am thankful for a God who knows Liam, who knows us, and who knows our child.....and who knows why it's best this way.

I trust Him completely.

And THAT is why I can't be sad....because I am so excited. We are at the TOP of our agency's list which means that we can expect to be matched soon.

I'm terrified. I'm not gonna lie, but the excitement I feel is growing every day.

I just wanted to say thank you for praying for Liam and for us. Thank you SO much.

And, if you are not having your life changed by sponsoring an orphan at New Day, can I encourage you to get over there, fall in love with one of their kids, and be part of their life? It has changed us. Just click on "How To Help" in the upper right hand corner of their web page, and find out how your family can be blessed by sponsoring a child.

Just one more thing.......God is so good to care about little details sometimes. His timing is always perfect. We got the news about Liam two days before leaving for an amazing trip to Disney with my ENTIRE family. It has been about 18 years since we were ALL together on a family vacation. We were so excited, and a week away with everyone at Disney makes it difficult to wallow in sadness (hello, happiest place on earth!). We were able to be sad, board a plane to Disney, and allow family and fun to soothe our aching hearts.

Perfect timing for sure.

Our last vacation as a family of 4. I'm SURE of it!!!!