Genius

Yesterday, this mama needed a break from the bickering, the complaining, and well......you know, your kids are probably on summer vacation too!

I shut the shades in the living room, and told the kids we were going to watch a movie. Sawyer chose The Princess Bride, and knowing this was an unfamiliar movie for them, I happily agreed.

It was pure genius. The three of us snuggled on the couch to watch the movie. They LOVED it.

They woke up this morning, began to raid our very generous stash of dress up clothes and weapons (not the real kind, of course!), and were playing well together. I wondered why a new day brought such a change in behavior.

They're not bored?

Not bickering?

Not whining?

Not instigating each other and then tattling?

When they emerged from the costume closet (yes, we have a costume closet in our house), I realized the completely unknowing genius of allowing them to watch the movie:

That would be Princess Buttercup and The Man in Black (Wesley).

And for 45 blissful minutes, The Man in Black proceeded to sword fight every possible opponent in order to save Princess Buttercup. (Scot and I managed to have a conversation *almost* uninterrupted, except that there were several wardrobe choices before the "Man in Black" costume was completed satisfactorily.)

At the end of the 45 minutes of playing really, really well together, the kids asked if they could watch the movie again.

That has never, ever happened before. They've never wanted to watch a new movie again the very next morning.

So, I let them. It's vacation, right?

They are just as riveted to it this morning as they were last night. What shall I ever do with myself?

Wordless Thursday: Dance Recitals and Summer Fun

From Sawyer's Journal (and an update)

This is the journal page that came home in the mail the other day. It made me smile. Sawyer is simply beside himself to be a big brother again. I think by "opera" he meant "acrobat show" (judging by the picture).....I'm also pretty sure he wouldn't be excited to go to an opera. But, apparently, we'll need to make SURE to see some acrobats! When I asked him what he meant by "have fun with my friends" since he doesn't have any friends in China, he said, "You know, my family". Oh, ok. :)

I am also overflowing with gratitude and beyond thrilled to report that while layoffs yesterday were as bad as expected, very surprisingly, Scot DID NOT lose his job!!!!! We were stunned, but our speechlessness quickly turned to praise.......and I pulled myself together enough to call our agency to say- WE'RE GOOD TO GO!!!!!

Funny part was.......we had already decided that we'd be good to go anyway- job or not. A new list came out on April 21st, and on it was a little boy who was 18 months old whose only "need" was that he was missing his right arm. He was ADORABLE. When I saw his picture in mid-late May, I was stunned to see he had not been adopted. I mentioned him to Scot just saying, "Can you believe that people REALLY prefer girls so much OR are so wrapped up in appearances that this little guy can't be matched? I don't get it."

Then I checked again a few days later. He was still there. Then, I e-mailed my agency to make sure I wasn't mistaken that he was still available. He was. Then, I told Scot that if he was still available on Monday we'd need to talk.

You guessed it- he was still available on Monday. So, on Monday afternoon we talked and decided that there was no way we were going to let this little guy wait for a family. If there was no job issue at the time, we would have locked his file in 30 seconds flat- so what was stopping us? We were worried God wouldn't provide the finances? Well, now you know why we couldn't use that excuse!

So, late Monday afternoon, we e-mailed our agency to say we wanted to see his file. When I didn't get a response, I called AND e-mailed again Tuesday morning. Oddly, the woman at our agency replied on Tuesday morning to an e-mail I had sent out earlier the previous week, and did not reply to my e-mail requesting the little guy's file OR my phone call.

When she finally DID go to lock his file for us later that afternoon, his file had been locked just an hour or two previously.

My reaction? I laughed out loud.

I know. It doesn't seem appropriate, but I couldn't help myself. I mean, this little guy had been available for OVER A MONTH. He had been available as recently as 4:15 the previous afternoon. And, if the lady at our agency had gotten right on it first thing in the morning, she would have locked his file for us. But, she didn't. So, by the time she did get around to locking his file 4 hours after I called and e-mailed, he had found his family. I just had to laugh- I guess that just wasn't our son. Clearly God has other plans- and another child meant just for our family.

And maybe, just maybe, we'll be seeing those plans and that sweet little face soon.

(I'll admit to being scared to even type the words for fear they won't be true!)

Our Story Part 6: The Altar and The Door

Kelly- I like you too much to keep you waiting! :)

If you haven't read part 5 (the post before this one), this post will make a LOT more sense if you do! Parts 1-5 are also linked in the sidebar! Reading those posts first will make this finale more powerful for sure.

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In August 2007, Casting Crowns just so happened to release a new CD entitled "The Altar and the Door". I'm pretty sure the timing of the CDs released was just for us! ;) So many songs on the CD spoke DIRECTLY to where Scot and I were at that time- between the altar, where we could sacrifice our plans in favor of God's and trust Him completely come what may, and the door, where we could walk out, forget we heard God's call at all, and try to get on with our life.

Casting Crown's song "Somewhere in the Middle" (on the Altar and the Door CD) spoke to me that month in a way that maybe no other song ever has and God used it to challenge me profoundly:

Somewhere between the hot and the cold

Somewhere between the new and the old

Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be

Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right

Somewhere between the darkness and the light

Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me

Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender

without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence

reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

deep water faith in the shallow end

and we are caught in the middle

with eyes wide open to the differences,

the God we want and the God who is

But will we trade our dreams for His

or are we caught in the middle?

Somewhere between my heart and my hands

Somewhere between my faith and my plans

Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Somewhere between the altar and the door

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle you'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender

without losing all control?

Lord, I feel you in this place

and I know you're by my side

Loving me even on these nights

when I'm caught in the middle

I listened to the song over and over and OVER again all month long. I burned a copy of the whole CD for Scot and told him to listen. I turned it into a prayer more time than I could count, and I clung to that last refrain- that God was loving me even while I was caught in the middle.

We were clearly going to have to make a choice, and the weight of it felt VERY heavy that month. In fact, I'd say it was the hardest month of our marriage so far- because we were NOT on the same page AT ALL.

I wanted to follow Christ with abandon, but oh, the fear.

Just how close can I get Lord, to my surrender, without losing all control?

Scot was terrified too, and truth be told, he probably felt exactly as I did, but for him, the cost seemed too high- literally and figuratively. He was very pragmatic about it: we had saved for a LONG time to be able to put money down on a house, and choosing to adopt for him meant we would not be able to buy a house. We'd have to use the "house money" for adoption instead.

With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is,

but will we trade our dreams for His?

I could barely make eye contact with Scot because of my profound disappointment that he couldn't trust. Of course, what I realize so clearly now was that I couldn't either. How much easier it is to point the finger at someone else (especially your spouse, right?). We were fighting a lot and I really did wonder how this would EVER resolve itself? We had to make a decision, but for me, a decision not to follow meant turning our back on Christ and forsaking everything we said we believed. That wasn't an option for me- fear or not.

In September, it just so happened that our women's ministry started a Bible study with some (amazing) women called "Discerning the Voice of God: How to Recognize When God Speaks" by Priscilla Shirer. To say that every lesson spoke directly to me would be a dramatic understatement. I still have the book, and my emotions, thoughts, and prayers are scribbled out all over every single page.

First, God used this study to confirm to me His calling. I think a large part of my fear was that I had not really heard God's call, but that I had manufactured all this myself. On Day 5 of week 1, there was a part of the lesson entitled "His Word is Enough". We read the story in John 4:46-54 about the royal official at Capernaum whose son was sick to the point of death. He was convinced that Jesus could heal his son, that he walked many miles to come see Jesus. When he finally did see Jesus, he asked that Jesus come and heal his son. Jesus's response was, "Go, your son lives." The Bible says that the official, "believed the word that Jesus spoke to him, and started off [for home]".

Priscilla says this in response to that story: The official had no evidence that Jesus's words had made any difference in the life of his son since he was 20 miles away. .....This man believed in Jesus enough to confidently walk back home......God's Word is enough! Having faith like the royal official will enable to walk in confidence even when all we have to hold to is His Word. If God has spoken to you clearly about something, start moving toward it so you don't miss the glorious moment when your faith will become sight!

You should see all that I wrote on that page! But, from that moment on, I never doubted that I had heard God call. I had read His Word, it spoke to me, and that was enough!

Through that study (specifically week 2, day 4! :) ), I realized that for resolution, I was going to have to surrender MYSELF to God's plan, and then allow God to work on Scot in HIS time- not mine. I would have to let it go already. On that page, there is the question, "What has the Holy Spirit taught you as you studied today?" My answer was: "I'm too focused on what I want Scot too do(and what I think God wants him to do) and not focused instead on what God wants ME to do!"

So, on Thursday, September 27th, I told my group that that's what I was doing. I was letting God take care of Scot. No more discussions about Jonah and being swallowed by a whale (yes, lovely wife that I am, I kept bringing Jonah up!). No more nagging. No more preaching. No more adoption talk AT ALL. Done. I was going to focus on ME and how God wanted to use this whole thing in MY life. Scot was God's job.

Now, meanwhile, during August and September, our application for our adoption agency had gone missing (returned envelope and all). It had been sitting out on the counter just staring us in the face, then it was gone. I didn't want to ask because I was tired of fighting. I knew if he told me he had tossed it, I would lose it (this was before September 27th). But, one day, I did what I had never ever done before or since: I went through Scot's work bag- and there it was. He was carrying it around with him every day. So, I asked him why. He said he "just wanted to be able to read it". Huh? I didn't get it. It didn't tell him anything he didn't already know- our address, the ages of our kids, etc.... I wondered what that was REALLY all about. But, for once, I actually let that go.

On Friday morning, September 28th, Scot came downstairs dressed for work with the application in his hand. He handed it to me and said, "You need to send this in today. I am sure this is what God wants for our family. I'm terrified of what it means, but I am sure it's what God wants."

It was less than 24 hours after I had just told God, "I'm with You, but I'm leaving Scot up to you.

After I stopped crying, I explained to him that I WAS NOT going to call this lady back again, so he needed to be sure. He told me I might have to talk him down in a week, but that he was sure.

I was sure too. I had never, ever been sure-er! I mailed the application in that day!

And, then God put an explanation mark at the end of our story in a way that only God can. On Tuesday of the following week, adoption application off in the mail waiting to be approved, we received a check for $12,000 in the mail from someone who told us that "God had told them they were supposed to send us this money".

I. am. not. kidding.

To say that we stood there afraid to move (literally) because we knew the presence of God was right there in the room does not begin to cover it. He was WITH us, and we KNEW it. It was undeniable! This person had never had any money to speak of, and we had not told anyone we were even considering adoption. This check did not make ANY sense without the story that had been playing out over the last few days and months in our lives!

That was the last day we were ever afraid.

Let me tell you- only God could remove Scot's biggest fear in a way that would demolish any remaining fears we had. Only God knew EXACTLY what Scot needed to have his fears evaporate in an instant. Only God could change our hearts, and then would choose to bless us beyond that- to confirm it to us in a way that gave us courage to follow that has lasted us even to this day.

That's the moral of our WHOLE story: Only God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more

than all we ask or imagine, according to His power

that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the

church and in Jesus Christ throughout all generations!

Eph. 3:20-21

Our Story Part 5: The Part Scot Prefers Me to Leave Out

I know this story is long. However, this has become a journal for me to remember this all by, so I'm not leaving anything out even if the only person interested may be me! :)

Links to parts 1-4 of our story can be found in the side bar.

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Sometime in the late spring of 2007, Scot had told me to go ahead and get info from some adoption agencies. We were both pretty tentative, but we figured we'd look into it. We weren't committing. We were just investigating. It was baby steps. I got the stuff from a few agencies, and read every word.

I remember that there was one agency in particular that looked like a great fit for us, and it just so happened that in the beginning of June they were going to be having an informational meeting at our church. I asked Scot if he would go, and he agreed. We asked my parents to watch the kids, (we did NOT say what it was about), I marked the date on the calendar, and held my breath for that Saturday. Interestingly enough, after coming on staff at the church, I found out that this was the only time EVER they have had one of these there. They had never had one before, and they have not had one since. The agency asked if they could use our facilities, and so the church said yes and advertised it. I think back on that and just know it wasn't a coincidence. Not that it went well......

First of all, I was rattled when I got there and one of the Pastors of the church was there. Remember, I didn't want anyone to know we were looking into adoption in case we decided not to do it. Of course, (knowing Tim now), he didn't think anything of it. He didn't know God had called us. He probably just thought we just were thinking about adoption. But, I was all ruffled to start off. Then, the presentation was boring and long and.......well, Scot was NOT impressed. In fact, if getting him to come to the meeting was two steps forward, leaving was easily three or four steps back. I crosse the agency off my list, and decided to take a break from "adoption talk" for awhile.

But, there was another date I looked forward to....July 14th. One of our dearest friends was getting married, and we were in the wedding along with his college room mate. And it just so happens that his college room mate and his wife had adopted a little girl from China a few years before. I could not wait to talk to them and have Scot hear a first-hand adoption story form people he respected. By now, I wasn't so afraid. I had read enough to know the truth (and the Truth), and I had decided in my heart that fears or not, I was going to obey. It was just a matter of helping Scot get to that same point. I realized at some point that for me, that was part of what God was calling me to do, help Scot hear God for himself on this.

By the time July rolled around, the weight of everything was wearing on me. I was confident that God was calling us to adopt and my fears were (mostly) gone, but Scot's head (and wallet) were not willing to throw caution to the wind and move forward. Scot's heart was there, but his head seemed stuck. A big sticking point was could we love an adopted child with the depth and passion with which we love our biological kids, because anything less would be unfair. He wasn't sure he could (I knew he could, because I know his heart....but I wondered about myself....though Scot was sure I could).

On July 13th, we saw Steve and Jill at the wedding rehearsal, and made quick work of catching up. When dinner rolled around, we filled our plates and sat with them. They were so amazingly gracious as they told us their entire story- including the fact that Steve had been reluctant about adoption (they also had two biological kids before adopting) because he wasn't sure he could love an adopted child like his biological kids. Or that it would negatively impact the two kids they already had. Or that the cost was too great. His fears before adopting mirrored Scot's EXACTLY, and their story (she gently- and not so gently- pushing; he reluctant) couldn't have been more parallel to ours. It made us feel....normal. That maybe it was ok to be feeling this way. And it gave me great hope!

They shared their story and how when Steve met Grace, he feel head-over heels in love. He told us in no uncertain terms that we needn't worry about it. He could tell us for certain that we would love all our kids the same- adopted and biological. They told us the good, the bad, and the ugly, and they answered every question we had. They were go incredibly gracious, and God used them in amazing ways that night- they probably had no idea at the time! (Not to mention she worked for the adoption agency that was top on my list.)

It was during this conversation when Scot's fears started to melt away, and it was a direct result of Jill and Steve sharing Grace's story with us. (You may remember this post about Grace. I am just SO thankful to say that God used Grace's story to help dispel so many of the fears that were holding us back. That her life, though it was shorter than anyone would have chosen, was used in AMAZING ways in helping to bring our child home. Who says a 5 year old can't have a tremendous impact? Hearing her story was, really, the turning point in ours. )

Riding home from that wedding, I knew Scot KNEW we were supposed to adopt. I can't say how I knew, but I was SURE of it. (He later confirmed it.) Sometime during those next few weeks, I filled out the adoption applications, just in case.

Shortly before our 10th anniversary on August 9th, 2007, we were trying to figure out a way to get away for a weekend. Try as we might though, every plan we came up with seemed like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. It just wasn't working. So, during one conversation, Scot said, "You know. This just doesn't seem to be working out. Why don't we just take the $250 we would have used to go away and instead use it to send in our adoption application?"

I made sure that 1) I had heard him correctly, and 2) that this wasn't because he hadn't gotten me anything for our anniversary, and this was an easy solution. He said that, no, that wasn't it. It seemed it was now or never, right? I agreed.

I finished the application and sent it out on a Friday. Then, Scot seemed "off" all weekend. I was too. For the first time in a long time, the fear was back full force! I just felt as though I somehow convinced Scot and that if this was a harder road than we would have anticipated, the downfall of our family would have been MY fault. Monday morning, Scot told me (yes, told me- in NO uncertain terms) to call the adoption agency and ask them to not cash the check and to go ahead and send the application back to us- no need to even open it. He was simply panic-stricken, and he just couldn't go through with it.

I was devastated........and oddly relieved. I was so turned around, I didn't know how to feel. Truly mortified, I called the woman, and just went with the 100% honesty route: my husband can't go through with it.

She was SO incredibly kind on the phone. Men are often "reluctant", she said. (That was the first time I had heard the phrase "reluctant spouse".) He probably just needs a bit more time. She told me that this is NOT the first time this had happened, and that I should not worry, he would come around.

"You don't know my husband." I told her.

Seven and Two

Two important dates I forgot to acknowledge here:

My favorite boy turned SEVEN last week. I both love and hate him getting older.

I feel incredibly blessed to see him becoming himself. He is the most amazing gift I have ever received (along with his sister, of course).

Sunday marked two years that we have been logged in in China. I guess, technically, that makes us 15 months overdue. It makes the 9 days I was overdue with Sawyer look like nothin'! I definitely got stretch marks this time too- except they aren't on my stomach, they are on my soul. (They're more attractive that way, for sure!)