{un}flattering

Lest anyone EVER think I am any great shakes as a mom (not that that rumor was floating around there), here is a little vignette that will allow you to glimpse the ugly reality:

A couple of weeks ago (maybe even three), things here were stressful- potential job change, busy ministry season, end of the year stuff all around us, and just well.....you know, the stuff of life that can make a couple of parents stressed. This time though, I let it make me a grumpy mom. Generally, I employ strategies to make sure that doesn't happen. That particular week, I failed at that miserably for a number of reasons (that hindsight so easily illuminates).

However, one particular night when Scot was out with Sawyer at soccer, I was home with Cooper and Chloe, and Chloe was in RARE form- all her difficult behaviors were on full blast- and by the time she, Cooper and I laid down in my bed to read books at bedtime, I was standing on a very dangerous emotional precipice. About that time, Chloe decided it was time to just go for broke, and she pushed my last button. I had what is to this point my worst mom moment: I screamed at her. I did, and it was awful. My tone, my body language- it was all awful. I didn't say anything hateful (thank God) or do anything awful, but I completely lost my ability to control my tone and manner, and screamed at her. I completely and totally lost it, and the worst part of it all, was that I just allowed myself to do it.

I recently finished reading "One Thousand Blessings". (Apparently, I need to re-read it.) In it Ann Voskamp talks about how God always tells us the right way- He doesn't ever lead us down the path of pain and destruction. However, we so willingly, when presented with a choice (however fleetingly) between right and wrong, just can't see how the "right" choice can actually be right OR we just don't care, and we willfully choose evil.

That was me that night. I was in such a state that I willingly chose evil instead of doing what is right. And the memory of what I must have looked and sounded like to my kids when I was doing it brings me to tears.

I have never, ever in my entire life EVER acted that way toward another person. Any other person. And I chose Chloe.

My heart breaks to even think about it. What is WRONG with me? (*insert laundry list here*)

It was really, really awful.

But, the fallout was WAY worse.

Chloe was crying and upset, but she recovered quickly.

Cooper, however, was crying harder, and he was visibly scared.

SCARED.

I sent Chloe to her room, because she and I both needed time to wind down. I took Cooper to his bed, where I could snuggle him, comfort him, and talk to him. By now, I was crying so hard I could barely talk.

Cooper told me, "You scared me."  He cried for 45 minutes- real, heartbreaking tears, and it was very clear, that he wanted to go home (read: China home). He didn't feel safe with me, and I could see in his eyes, that he wanted to go back to his China Mama. He didn't need to tell me, it was so clear.

Who could blame him? Honestly, I was thinking he'd be better off with his China Mama too- I'm sure she never lost it like that.

Thankfully, my awful, willful, out-of-control self only lasted one minute, after which I came to my senses pretty quickly, and I did the right thing (poor consolation, but it was better than willfully choosing the wrong thing again). Through a flood of tears, I told my kids that I had chosen to do something that I knew wasn't right, that I acted mean and nasty and completely unkind and out-of-control and that there was absolutely no excuse for it. I told them it didn't make anyone happy, least of all God. I asked both of them (individually) to forgive me, and I prayed with them and let them hear me ask God to forgive me.

Again, Chloe recovered quickly (I also spent a good amount of time with her in her room alone snuggling and such). She knows that's out of character for me. She trusts me, because I've shown myself trustworthy to her. She and I have history. And, thank God....it's mostly positive history.

But, Cooper? I could see he wasn't just scared, in general. He was scared of me.

The consequences of sin are painful, and never so much as when it effects someone you love- especially your kids. And, especially when it's YOUR sin that caused it.

I spent a LONG time reassuring Cooper that night- all the way until he was asleep, and in the days and weeks since then as well- both verbally and non-verbally.  With God's help, I have become a better version of myself since then.

However, tonight, Cooper reminded me that if the last 7 months have been 3 steps forward, then that one minute of lost control was 20 steps back:

Cooper to me tonight at bed: "I love Daddy, and Sawyer, and Chloe, but not you."

Me: "Oh, that's too bad, because I love you SO much!"

Cooper: "I jus love my China Mama, but not you."

Me: "Well, I love, love, love you. Why don't you love me?"

Cooper: "You yelled at Chloe, and that made me feel sad."

Me: *stomach in feet, so incredibly ashamed* "I know. I did do that, and Mommy is so, so sorry for that. Thank you for forgiving me when I asked you. I'm glad God forgave me too. I've been trying to be a better Mommy and asking God to help me. Am I doing a good job?"

Cooper: "Yep, but I call my China Mama and tell her you yelled and scared me."

I don't even remember what I said to that. I was trying not to dissolve into tears.

One horrible moment of indulging my anger and frustration, and oh, the consequences. But, I have learned a few lessons the hard way. And, I'm starting back before square one with a sweet, sweet, wonderful little boy who might have started trusting me, but isn't so sure anymore. He's been much preferring Scot these days- or anyone besides me. I know it will come back, but it's going to be harder work now.

Why did I share this? Who knows? I felt compelled to tonight. At least to write it. But, then i wondered why, if I wrote it, would I not post it?

Self-protection. What would people think?

A friend of mine is always talking about "glittering images", and I have realized that I like to shine and bedazzle mine more than I'd like to admit. However, lately, I'm just downright sick of my glittery-self, and I'm ready to just smash the stupid image in favor of being more transparent, authentic, and just doing the hard work of facing the facts about myself and, with God's help, allowing each day to be filled with more of Him and less of me.

For everyone's sake.

You know, after I had Sawyer, my college room mate and great friend, sent me an article that basically said that there is nothing like new-motherhood to "beat the selfish stuffing right out of you" and bring you to the end of yourself. I found it to ring true at the time.

However, if having a newborn beats the selfish stuffing right out of you, then adopting a preschooler, beats it out of you, spreads it out across the lawn for all to see, leaves you standing in awe of how much selfish stuffing could actually have been left after the first two kids and plenty other life-experience, and scrambling to collect it all and shove it back in in an attempt to just get through your day and possibly try to remember who you were before all the stuffing came out.

If the article rang true 8 years ago, it rings horribly true now, and to think that I still have a ridiculous amount of selfish stuffing to go is, well.........it's unflattering at best.

I feel like I need a t-shirt that says, "Please  be patient with me. I'm under construction."