Timely Encouragement

Orange Parents is my favorite parenting blog. I mean, it's the only one I actually read, but it's really my favorite! :) I've read others before, but this is the only one I read regularly. It's the only one worth my time.

I'm not exactly sure why I keep reading this blog, because once a week I get hit right between the eyes with a healthy dose of conviction. That's never comfortable, but I like to think I make some changes as a result that make me a better, more Christ-like parent.

Today was one of those days.

Head on over there and read the post titled, A Story Worth Telling.

Ouch. Yeah....after my last two posts, this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

Since the beginning of this adoption, I have known God was the author of this great story he's telling through our family and Cooper's life. And yet, I don't want conflict? Struggle? Difficulty? Really?

Can't have a great story without conflict. Without the conflict, there is no story worth telling.

So true. Easy didn't define Moses's life. It's why we love the story. (Him, and about 100 other Biblical "Super Heroes" who also don't know the meaning of "easy".)

Our story didn't end when Cooper came home- and maybe that's what I anticipated without even realizing it. But, no, the story continues, conflict and all. And, for it to be a story worth telling, we must engage the conflict, and with God's help, come out victorious.

Then we have a story worth telling.

Anyway, this post is a must-read for parents, I think!

There are a few more must-reads over there, I'll link to my absolute favorite (read: I'm still sporting the bruise from being hit between the eyes on that one) later this week!

Tough Stuff- Part 2

Part of me feels bad even calling any of this "tough".

I've read enough to know that we have had an almost too-good-to-hope-for transition.  I wouldn't have been bold enough to ask God for it to be THIS smooth- really.

However, that doesn't mean it is all easy and that there isn't still tough stuff. Tough for US in our situation. Tough, not impossible. Tough, not horrible. Just tough.

First, some updates: Chloe and Cooper have found their way. It turns out that having Sawyer in school every day had made it a sink-or-swim situation, and they have decided to swim. Sure, now they enjoy a typical sibling relationship- he gets on her nerves, and she on his. BUT......they will play with each other. These days, when I'm downstairs folding laundry I tear up just listening to them upstairs playing this, that or the other thing in Chloe's room together.

Now when Chloe hugs Cooper he accepts it and returns it. And, when I drop him off at my parents' house on the days I go to the office, Cooper asks Chloe for a "big hug and a big kiss". That, my friends is P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S.

A momentous day- February 7: Cooper allows Chloe to a) sit with him and b) put her arm around him while watching TV. This was so highly unusual at that time, I ran for my camera. 

It was a hard-fought relationship. Sure, it didn't take too long, but I remember how hard it was, and I'm glad it's over. So is Chloe.

Another great improvement, Sawyer has started playing with Chloe again. It was GREAT to see the first time, and when he did it, I made Scot take Cooper out on an errand so that it would last a little longer. Now, it's more normal. Today, driving home from school Sawyer said to Chloe, "Chloe, when we get home, do you want to play with me?"

They didn't see it, but I got all teary. I missed watching their close relationship, and I had worried that it was gone. That we had ruined it.

Any feelings I had before about longing for the days when it was just the four of us are LONG gone. It would no longer seem normal to not have Cooper here- our lives would be so much less rich, less deep, less joyful. The "new slippers" are fitting just fine thankyouverymuch, and we can't figure out how we wore those old ones for so long. :)

Still though, we have not hit EASY.

Cooper and Chloe's newfound relationship is still a work-in-progress. What it is now is constant competition. This, I know, is completely normal and has to do with 2 things:

• Chloe has been dethroned and in feeling anxious about her place in the family

• Cooper is all new to us and feeling anxious about his place in the family

If Cooper is sitting with daddy, suddenly Chloe wants to sit with daddy. And visa versa. Whatever Chloe gets/is doing, Cooper wants to get/do too- even if he doesn't like it (like being given a cheese stick).

If Chloe speaks to me or to Scot, Cooper will generally stand right next to her and repeat her word for word. So much so that sometimes, I can't even hear Chloe. It's like he doesn't want her to even talk to me. He also just repeats her all the time whenever she says anything. SO much so that his new phrase is "STOP 'PEATIN' ME!". He says it not when any one is repeating him (because no one does), but whenever he is angry or frustrated (because Chloe is always saying that to him). I know the constant repeating is his way of learning language, but it's not easy for Chloe. And when he talks over her when she's talking to me, it's stressful- for all of us. It's when I'm most tempted to snap at him ("Cooper, STOP!")

Cooper is displaying what seems to be anxious attachment preschool-style. He is looking for constant reinforcement constantly of his place in the family all the time.

Did I mention it's constant? All the time? Constantly?

We know why he's doing it, and we do our best to meet him right where he is at, but ohmygoodness, it ain't easy. It's constant. Have I mentioned that? (Is it getting annoying? Because I have not even scratched the surface of the relentlessness of it.) :) 

If he doesn't need reinforcement of his place in the family, he needs constant reinforcement of what's happening around him. 

One the way to school every morning we used to (before Cooper came home) listen to the music in the car and sing all the way to school. Now the ride to school goes something like this:

*Mom turns on music*

Cooper: "Mom! Mom!"

Me: "What Cooper?"

Cooper: "You drop Sawyer [off]. You drop Cooper. You drop Chloe. Mama goes to work."

Me: "Yep, we're dropping Sawyer off at school, Cooper off at Grandma and Grandpa's, and Chloe off at school. Then Mama will go to work and I'll come back to pick Cooper up later."

Cooper: "Oh, ok!"

*mama turns music back on*

30 seconds later:

Cooper: "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!" 

Me: "What Cooper?"

Cooper: "You drop Sawyer [off]. You drop Cooper. You drop Chloe. Mama goes to work."

Me: "Yep, we're dropping Sawyer off at school, Cooper off at Grandma and Grandpa's, and Chloe off at school. Then Mama will go to work and I'll come back to pick Cooper up later."

Cooper: "Oh, ok!"

*mama turns music back on*

30 seconds later:

Cooper: "Mom! Mom! Mom!"

Over, and over, and (Lord, help me!) over again......and again, and again.

We live the movie Groundhog Day every morning on the way to take the kids to school or to drive anywhere at all! :)

Yes. I totally get why he's doing it. (No need to leave comments explaining why Cooper needs constant reassurance- I TOTALLY know why.)

Yes. I am patient and calm and answer him 100,000 times in a 10 minute span.

Yes. It could be SO much worse.  I know.

And, yes, (thank you, nice lady I talked to the other day), I have said to him, "Cooper, you can tell mama one more time, and then we are going to listen to the music." Yes, I've tried that. He doesn't care if I give him permission to ask one more time- he's gonna ask anyway. (But since I didn't think it was very Christ-like to yell at the nice, well-meaning lady, "Do you think I'm stupid? YES! I've tried asking him to only say it once more!", I instead said, "Great idea! I'll try that!" and mentally noted to not mention it to anyone again ever! :) )

Anyway.....when you have three kids, a house to keep up, and you're back at work two days a week, and all you want to do is listen to ONE song in it's entirety on the way to dropping your kids off at school, it's exhausting. It's actually exhausting all on it's own. Having someone after me and my attention relentlessly all day is just stressful. I literally collapse on the couch or directly into bed every night at 7:15 after all the kids are in bed simply because the silence is so utterly enjoyable and the constancy of this phase Cooper is in is draining all my energy. (Some moms tell me their biological kids do the same things. Mine never did, so this is all new for me.) 

I keep telling myself that it is a phase. That it will pass, and I was encouraged by reading the post that I wrote on December 20th, because we already have moved past all that and come so far. I know in two short months this too will be a thing of the past. But, I'll also know Cooper that much better and be able to be proactive in meeting his needs rather than reactive. I also realize that already he's been having more "good days" than "bad days" in the relentlessness department. 

But....we're still adjusting. Me. Cooper. Scot. Sawyer. Chloe. 

Some days are so very close to what I think normal will be like when we get there, and it's a sweet taste of easy. 

Other days, um....not so much.

But, every single day I think to myself, "We might have missed this."

That would have been the hardest thing of all.

Tough Stuff- Part 1

So, what I have not mentioned yet is what's been hard regarding our adoption.

Well, I went back and dug up a post I wrote on December 20th. We had been home exactly one month.

At the time, the feelings felt too raw to post publicly. But, I had to write down my feelings so I wouldn't forget them. I am ready to share the reality now because well, things are much, much better already. AND.....I feel like Cooper's mom now, not just like a mom who is caring for a really great kid. There is a HUGE difference.

Here in part 1 of "Tough Stuff" I'll simply post what I wrote on December 20th. In "Part 2" which is to come, I'll write about how far we've come, and what's tough now.

If you don't like hearing honest stuff, this isn't your kinda reading.

---------------------------------------

So, what's been hard about Cooper's transition into our family?

First of all, just the general change in our family dynamic. I think we are all missing the rhythms and routines of life as a family of four- like the way you miss your old slippers before the new ones are broken in. One morning when Cooper slept in, but the rest of us were up, Sawyer was playing then he said out of nowhere, "Hey- it's like it's just the four of us again." And, to be completely honest, I think we all long for that now and then. Not to be without Cooper.....let me clarify. But, we long for what feels normal, comfortable, familiar, easier. We sometimes want our old slippers back, even though we know the new slippers will be just fine in no time at all (and they are better in so many ways too).

I think Sawyer may feel this acutely without even realizing he does, because Cooper is uber-attached to Sawyer. More attached to Sawyer than any of us in spite of my best efforts. It's partially a little-boy, big-boy thing. Sawyer LOVED bigger boys too at that age, but when working on attachment, it gets in the way sometimes. Cooper will seek Sawyer out for comfort, for help, and almost exclusively for play. Cooper also will not go to bed if Sawyer is not in bed too (meaning, that's when I am SURE we would see full hysteria, but its kind of a problem, because a 7 year old doesn't need to go to bed at the same time as a three year old....although, we have been doing that lately). Cooper still needs naps, but that has proven to be the most difficult thing, because neither of my kids nap anymore, and Cooper will really cry hard when I tell him he needs to nap. We're really trying to just phase it out, but he very clearly needs one about every third day or so. 

So....the general change in our family dynamic has been hard. When I (for an example) have to lay down in bed with Cooper to nap (so he doesn't lose it) and the rest of the family is snuggled up on the couch watching a movie, I'm not going to lie, I feel something a little (sometimes a lot) like grief.  However, I also distinctly remember feeling exactly this way after Chloe was born. I'd have to nurse her to sleep, and would miss being part of Sawyer's bedtime routine (my favorite time of day with my kids). I'd be crying and wondering why I upset the apple cart by having another child and if I'd ever be ok with it. Of course, I was- and it didn't even take too long. But, you do lose some things in the change, and that's hard. Not crazy-I'm-not-going-to-get-through-this hard or I'm-gonna-need-counseling hard, but hard none the less- on all of us.

The hardest part though is that Cooper does not like Chloe. At. all. 95% of the negative emotion he displays is directed at her. If she hugs him, tries to play with him, touches him, or sometimes even just looks at him, he will shove her, pull away from her, growl at her, tell on her, yell at her or just otherwise make it very known that he is NOT interested. Often, if, say, she tries to hug him, he will yell at her and then run over to Sawyer for a hug and look directly at her as if to say, "I love Sawyer, but not you."

It is heartbreaking.

And, again, completely honestly, it makes me really angry.

Chloe is the personification of happiness and joy. She has her moments, yes. But, even while being dethroned as the baby in the family, she has welcomed Cooper into this family the best of any of us- loving him completely and wanting to express that to him all the time. As a result, yes, she's all over him like white on rice- and we're working on that. So, sometimes, I can't blame Cooper. But, other times, he is just downright mean to her, and she knows it. She will say, "Cooper loves everyone in this family except me."

And, she'd be right.

I have read enough to know this is completely normal. I have been around the block enough to know "this too shall pass". However, when it happens, that knowledge does not make it any easier on Scot, myself OR Chloe. The other thing Chloe has NOT going for her is that Sawyer is currently enamored with Cooper, and Cooper super-attached to Sawyer, so......while Sawyer and Chloe used to be the best of friends playing really well together all the time......it rarely if ever happens now. Because Cooper will actually yell at Chloe if she tries to play with them or even just with Sawyer.  But, even Sawyer tends to play with Cooper now.  I am getting all choked up just writing this. It's hard, hard, hard to watch. Chloe notices it too- and she's been having a hard time. Add to that the trouble she had when I got sick, she has been having a very difficult time. You'd not always notice it, but those of us that know Chloe best see it- and we're being very proactive about helping her with all of it.

Also, when Sawyer is in school, Chloe and Cooper are stuck together trying to make their own way, and on those days things are better. In general, too, things have improved greatly already.

The picture above is of play-doh people that Cooper made with my mom in mid-January. He wanted to make "pictures" of everyone in our family (grandma and grandpa included which is why there is more than 5). Chloe is the person with the blue face in the lower right- the only one Cooper wanted to have a mean/angry face. 

So....no big drama or fireworks. A rather smooth transition. Cooper is doing well, settling in, and fitting in really well. But, even in all the easiness of our transition, there has been some hard stuff. And, sometimes, I think, when the hard stuff is less obvious, people wonder why you are saying it's hard.

I'm saying it is hard while also totally admitting it could be a thousand times harder in our case, and I thank God every day for being merciful to us. If I'm having a hard time with this, imagine if our circumstances had been more difficult.  But, no one ever said adoption is easy (and if they did, they'd be wrong- especially when you adopt a preschooler).

And, I don't want to paint it negatively......we're having lots of fun with Cooper. He is fun and funny and sweet and snuggly and often very kind. We're growing to love him more every day, and we look forward to being able to see more and more of who he really is as the weeks and months go by.

Wordless Wednesday {Super Cooper}

March- A Different Kind of Giveaway

It's been time to post a giveaway, but honestly, with everything going on in Japan it seemed a little shallow. Sure, life goes on here, but to think that there are people on the other side of the world living my worst nightmare- it's hard to get my mind around.

So, when I sat down at my computer today determined to post this month's giveaway, I realized that this month would be a different kind of giveaway- the kind where I give a donation away, and invite you to do the same.

There are lots of different places to give- LOTS. But, there is one that I feel particularly inclined towards.

Through some of our best friends, we have had the opportunity to meet the Bengtson family- a family of four who have served as missionaries in Japan for years. They were in Japan when the quake struck and they live in Sendai which is close to the epicenter of the earthquake. They have encouraged supporters (via Facebook messages) to give to and support in prayer  CRASH Japan. You can get daily updates at their website and you can also "like" their Facebook page for updates as well. To get a quick summary of what they are doing, you can watch this video.

CRASH Japan is now partnering with Samaritan's Purse and working in cooperation with many other Christian relief organizations (Food for the Hungry and World Vision among them) to help the people of Japan in practical ways while also offering them Living Hope as well.

So, this month for my "Giveaway", I gave it away. I took whatever I would have spent on the giveaway item I had planned, multiplied it by a bit, and donated that amount to CRASH Japan.

I hope you'll forgive me. But, most importantly, I hope that you will consider giving to CRASH Japan or to one of the other organizations I listed above who are already on the ground in Sendai offering Living Hope and very real help to the people in Japan. In doing so, you are taking my very little giveaway idea, and allowing it to make a big impact! If you feel so inclined, please spread the word about CRASH Japan- spreading the word and the impact even further!

Next month, I promise to be back with a fun, simple, and (in light of such tragedy, devastation and heartbreak) silly giveaway. But, for this month, this is what felt right to me!

And, don't just give, please do PRAY for Japan, for the Bengtsons, and for all those who are working to be the hands and feet of Christ in such a scary, devastating situation!

OK, so I am Curious

Since so many of you are adoptive parents, I'm really curious about something after an interesting Face*book interaction:

Did any of you see the movie "Despicable Me", and if so, what did you think of it?

I'll refrain from posting what I thought here. I'm interested to hear what you all thought, and then I'll share a) what made me curious and b) what I thought of the movie.

And....March's giveaway is coming. I have just been away from my computer lately.

Case in Point

The other night at the dinner table we were talking about China, and I asked Cooper if he missed Emelia (I used her Chinese name).

His expression changed and he got clearly sad and said, "Yes, I sad. I cry. I miss [Emelia]."

Then he paused, smiled, and said, "But now I have Chloe. And Mama and Daddy and Sawyer. I have a new family. I love you my family."

You try to finish dinner and wash the dishes after that.

See what I mean? Overwhelmed- often in the very best way possible.